I suppose I am officially an unfaithful blogger. I was doing pretty well for a while, but after spring break, all went downhill! Well, here I am now. Let me fill you in on what's happened since my birthday, which seems like quite a long time ago now!
At school, we did our Cowboy Unit the week and a half before spring break. It was so fun! I had been looking forward to that for a while. We read stories about cowboys, learned about what their job was, what they ate, what they wore, where they lived, etc. Then on the Friday before spring break, second grade had a Cowboy DAY. We all dressed up like cowboys and got to have a cowboy lunch, complete with hot dogs, baked beans, chips, fruit & veggies, and trail mix. It was so fun and the kiddos looked really cute. Another fun thing about that day was that Hannah got to come in and visit our class! When she walked in, the kids just stared and one finally said, "WOW. She IS tall!" They loved having her there, and so did I! We helped serve lunch, hung out with the kiddos, Hannah read a story to them, and I gave them a time to ask her anything they wanted. On top of our cowboy day, they kiddos had their good behavior reward party we have at the end of each month. This month, the reward was dancing with the Wii. It was SO FUN. Han and I got to dance with all the kids and be goofy. Needless to say, not a whole lot of teaching went on that day. We took our spelling test and completed our Cowboy Fact Book; I tried my best to be productive! I learned over and over again that days rarely go like you plan them out. Such is the life of a teacher, I suppose ;)
THEN, FINALLY, SPRING BREAK. Whenever teachers told us that they needed the breaks more than students, I laughed to myself and never really got why they said that. HA! I finally get it. I was looking forward to break so very much. On Friday after school, Han and I went to Applebee's and had a date. Then I left early Saturday morning to meet Mom, Aunt Holly and Bam in Ft. Wayne to look for dresses for different occasions. My main goal was to find a dress for JS, which I did. Sunday I went to church. When I go to my church at home, it's like taking a big gulp of water after getting back from a run. I always feel refreshed, encouraged, and rejuvenated. I can't explain how much I love it. It's family. It's where I heard the Truth (with a capital T). Over the next couple days, I got to hang out and do a whole lot of nothing, except for hanging out with Emily, Lexi and my family! On Thursday, we left for Indy. I gave my resume' to 3 public schools down there and shopped with Mama. For dinner we met the whole Bigler bunch (including Lauren, Nick's FIANCE'). This, of course, means that I got to see Millie. Also at dinner, Lauren asked Brinnie and I to be bridesmaids. Um...YES. :) It was so sweet and I absolutely cannot wait for Lauren to be a Bigler. Nick has been blessed with a wonderful woman to spend the rest of his life with! She's pretty blessed, too ;). Oh, and yes, Millie will be their flower girl!
Friday night we spent just hanging out. Nick was home for Easter, and the four of us played Sequence (one of my favorite games). Saturday the boys golfed, Mom ran errands, and I worked out and baked at home. Saturday night, I went to Jason and Jake's new house and watched March Madness with a bunch of teenagers. It was really fun!
Sunday was Easter. Oh, how I love Easter! My Savior is so powerful. DEFEAT SIN? Check. CONQUER HELL AND DEATH? Check. MAKE A WAY FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE TO BE SAVED? Check. My mind can't comprehend. My heart is overwhelmed by those truths. WHAT A SAVIOR.
After church, we did our usual Bigler Easter Lunch at Bent Oak. Even Grandma and Grandpa came (Grandma has dementia/Alzheimer's, and Grandpa has Parkinson's and is really struggling physically)! Then we took off for Markle (my sister-in-law's hometown near Ft. Wayne). We had an Easter egg hunt with Millie and everyone and had probably the best carrot cake I've ever had, thanks for Brin's mom! Then it was time to come back to school :/ I'm so close to being done...it was hard to come back.
I literally have 20 days until I graduate. 20 PEOPLE! I only have 2 more weeks of teaching. The last week, I'm observing other teachers, sitting in on IEP meetings, and acting more as an aide. Holy Toledo, my college days are almost over. I feel so many different things. Mostly excitement is what I'm feeling now, though. I'm ready for a new phase. I'm ready to have a real teaching job. I'm ready to be ROOTED somewhere. The college life is sort of nomadic. I can't wait to be involved and committed to a church, to settle down somewhere, and start my new phase. Yet at the same time, leaving Cedarville means saying bye to my precious second graders, Mrs. Meriweather, Mrs. Carter, my professors, Mrs. Clark (my mentor here at CU), HANNAH, KARLEE, LAURA, EMILY, ALANNA, etc. Yikes. I may be excited now, but come 3 weeks, I'm going to be an emotional wreck.
What does my future hold? "What are your plans for after graduation?" I've been getting that one a lot. My answer? I have no idea. However, I am not panicked. I'm not really even nervous. The Lord has NEVER given me to doubt or not trust Him. He always provides! His ways are perfect! Why should I be afraid? Therefore, I'm not. Now, I haven't always been able to say that over the past couple years. The Lord has graciously gotten me to this point. I couldn't have done that on my own. He's so good :)
I DO know that JS is tonight. If there's one thing I love, it's getting dressed up and going out with my friends :D. I love gettin' dolled up and spending fun time with my friends. It should be a great time!
I promise to do a better job of posting during my last few weeks--my sprint to the finish.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Chapter 22
This past Thursday I completed another year of my life. What a thing to say! The other day, I tried to go back through and think of what even happened during my 21st year. I can hardly remember! So much went on. Here's a fast breakdown of my year:
March: Last year, my birthday was during field experience, so my best friends woke up early and made me breakfast before I left for school! They're the best. Then, that night, Mom and Dad totally surprised me and took me out to ice cream. I experienced what Kindergarten was like, and grew a lot closer to Allison Gromacki and Mariah Curtis during that field experience.
April: I continued to grow closer to my fellow RA's in Printy, Angie, and my girls that I was in charge of. Things with them became a lot easier to balance and was more natural. This was the month that I taught at Cherry Hill. I was with Mrs. Carter instead of Mrs. Meriweather. This was when I fell in love with teaching all over again, and also in love with second grade! It was such an amazing field experience. I cried the whole way home after my last day. I knew I wanted to go back for student teaching. Little did I know.... Then Easter came, and Hannah and I went back to Elkhart. We went up to St. Joe for pizza and Kilwin's (MY FAVORITE) and then went to Markle with Brinnan's family for an Easter egg hunt! It was so fun to see Millie have fun. April also was the last month of the school year, which meant that ELLIV happened, which was super fun. Caroline, Han, Maddie and I dressed up like trophies (thinking we would be the only people that would...we were wrong.). Then we got to finish finals, pack up, and .....stay for May Term.
May: I started May Term to get my 4/5 Endorsement. That time was FULL of classes from early in the morning until late in that afternoon. I got to live with Morgan, Lizz, and April. We had so much fun and spending time with them made the work a whole lot more bearable! During this time, I also got to have a week of FE in a 5th grade class, had a tornado touch down about 2 miles away from me, run a Color Run with Nick, and learn a whole lot about pre-teens. It was definitely worth it!
June: I started being a nanny for the Bontragers and got to spend a lot of time with people from home! Summer had officially begun for me. I nannied during the week, and was able to do a Beth Moore study with women from my church, including my mom. It was one of the best studies I've ever done! I enjoyed getting to know women who were older than I am and learn from them. Spring Lake was also on the agenda for June, and that is always one of my favorite things about the summertime. I got to go to Bethany Beach with Em and Lex, and got some sun on my skin! Next up was MIDDLE SCHOOL CAMP. One of my absolute favorite things EVER. Kayla Cassaletto was my co-counselor, and I was so encouraged and challenged by her.
July: Up to the Lake we went again, except this time our whole family went...including Miss Millie!!! It was fun at first, but then our trip was cut short after Millie literally got our whole family sick. She gave over 10 people a stomach bug. Haha looking back, it's funny, but at the time, I felt like I got hit by a truck! Kathleen also had her bridal shower around this time, which was such a sweet time of celebrating a wonderful childhood friend. I couldn't wait until she became Mrs. Parker!! Lexi and I got to go to a Jake Owen concert in Valpo, which was a fun time! We got to see Scott Erwin again, because that's where he lives, which was a nice surprise! Lex and I also got to go to the beach with our mamas, which is always a good time, and has kinda become a summer tradition. On July 29th, Millie turned 1 year old. How time FLIES. Her birthday party was one of the best days I've ever had. Watching her eat her cake, open presents, and laugh until I thought she would burst brought my heart so much joy I didn't think I could handle it.
August: Back to school I went! My senior year. It was so great to see Hannah, Karlee, Emily, Laur, and all my other friends. Methods II!! My last semester of classes before student teaching. I thought this semester would never come. Classes were busy and crazy. At the end of August, Kathleen and Devon got married!! That was one of the best weddings I've ever gone to, and I was honored to be a bridesmaid. I'll never forget that day.
September: Watching Hannah play volleyball, rollerblading, and homework filled up my time. My group of friends made our yearly trip to Indiana for our weekend at the lake with Scott, thanks to Mr. and Mrs. Erwin. I had so much fun on the boat (even though I got so sick one of the days, I thought I would get sick in front of all my friends...thankfully it all stayed in me :/). Mom and Dad came to visit me. We did our usual: outlet mall, Clifton Mill, racquetball with dad, Chipotle, and this time we got to watch Hannah play volleyball and visit the sunflower field!
October: Homecoming 2015 brought Brett, Brinnie and Millie to campus for a fun weekend. It was great having them here! Plus, I got to show off Millie to all my friends :D Hannah was still full-swing with volleyball, and we didn't get to see much of each other. I got to go to Indy and home for fall break and saw some friends and family.
November: I started my 3rd grade FE at Greenefield Elementary school, which proved to be one of my favorite experiences ever. I grew to become friends with and love my teacher, Miss Groves. That was a lovely blessing that doesn't always happen. I had great kiddos and learned a LOT. Hannah and the volleyball team won the G-MAC tourney and finished their season. I went home for Thanksgiving break and met Miss Lauren Birdsall, who has 100% stolen Nick's heart :). We ran in the Turkey Trot 5k, had lots of food, and got to know each other. I love Thanksgiving! So much fun with family.
December: The semester ended. I got to go home for break, work up at Snow Camp, got sick and passed out, which resulted in a nice gash and scar on my face, and brought the New Year in with....no one :) I was sick and stayed home by my lonesome! (Lammmeeeeeee.) ;)
January: STUDENT TEACHING. HOLY MOLY. It finally had come. Mrs. Meriweather and I instantly clicked. My kids stole my heart right away. I began learning and growing so much. In my personal life, all of a sudden I was on cloud nine. I spent my weekdays waiting for the weekends. My heart was so full of excitement and joy.
February: Student teaching continued. I fell more and more in love with my kids and became friends with the teachers around me. Valentine's came and went, but it was time well-spent and cherished. Then, as quickly as cloud nine had come, it was gone. I learned a lot this month about who GOD IS, and that growing up and making decisions is really hard sometimes. I learned that God is anchor of my soul and that He is good, no matter what. Even heartbreak is used for His glory.
My birthday this year started off with texts from friends and family. A breakfast surprise from Hannah. My kiddos showered me with "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISS BIGLER!"'s and hugs. I received gifts from Mrs. Meriweather and Mrs. Carter. I got cards from my kiddos that made me cry. Mrs. M. and I went out for dinner. Then when I got back, I had a tap on my window that come from my PARENTS who had surprised me again this year. What a day it was. Then Friday Emily, Karl, Han, and Laur took me line dancing! For those of you who know me, you know I LOVE country music...and I like to dance :) I had so much fun and I want to go back ASAP.
And here I am now. A whole year later. A whole year older. I'm about to graduate. I'm about to enter into another chapter. My relationship with Hannah has deepened so much this semester I could just sit and weep by how thankful I am for her friendship. I'm thankful that Karlee, Emily, and Laura and I have all gotten closer, too. My friends here at Cedarville may not be big in number, but they are deep-rooted.
This has been a year of highs and lows. But really, what year isn't? As I've said on here over and over, God has taught me so much about His grace. Oh, how I have fallen deeper in love with Him this year. His love is FIERCE, UNRELENTING, CONSTANT, PRECIOUS, and STEADFAST. Oh, that I may be more like HIM. He never gave up on me this year, and I am comforted by the fact that He never, ever will. Even though growing up is hard, it's exciting at the same time. Through my hardships, weaknesses, and shortcomings, I have seen the Lord so very clearly. If I have to go through times like that to see Him evidently, become more like Him, and experience His grace, then it is SO WORTH IT. Bring on the trials. Make me more like You, O Lord!
What will Chapter 22 hold? I'm not quite sure. I am sure, however, that the God of Israel and of my heart will go before me. He will lead me. He will provide for me. He won't leave me. In Chapter 22, by His grace, I hope to look more like Jesus Christ.
Here's to 22!
March: Last year, my birthday was during field experience, so my best friends woke up early and made me breakfast before I left for school! They're the best. Then, that night, Mom and Dad totally surprised me and took me out to ice cream. I experienced what Kindergarten was like, and grew a lot closer to Allison Gromacki and Mariah Curtis during that field experience.
April: I continued to grow closer to my fellow RA's in Printy, Angie, and my girls that I was in charge of. Things with them became a lot easier to balance and was more natural. This was the month that I taught at Cherry Hill. I was with Mrs. Carter instead of Mrs. Meriweather. This was when I fell in love with teaching all over again, and also in love with second grade! It was such an amazing field experience. I cried the whole way home after my last day. I knew I wanted to go back for student teaching. Little did I know.... Then Easter came, and Hannah and I went back to Elkhart. We went up to St. Joe for pizza and Kilwin's (MY FAVORITE) and then went to Markle with Brinnan's family for an Easter egg hunt! It was so fun to see Millie have fun. April also was the last month of the school year, which meant that ELLIV happened, which was super fun. Caroline, Han, Maddie and I dressed up like trophies (thinking we would be the only people that would...we were wrong.). Then we got to finish finals, pack up, and .....stay for May Term.
May: I started May Term to get my 4/5 Endorsement. That time was FULL of classes from early in the morning until late in that afternoon. I got to live with Morgan, Lizz, and April. We had so much fun and spending time with them made the work a whole lot more bearable! During this time, I also got to have a week of FE in a 5th grade class, had a tornado touch down about 2 miles away from me, run a Color Run with Nick, and learn a whole lot about pre-teens. It was definitely worth it!
June: I started being a nanny for the Bontragers and got to spend a lot of time with people from home! Summer had officially begun for me. I nannied during the week, and was able to do a Beth Moore study with women from my church, including my mom. It was one of the best studies I've ever done! I enjoyed getting to know women who were older than I am and learn from them. Spring Lake was also on the agenda for June, and that is always one of my favorite things about the summertime. I got to go to Bethany Beach with Em and Lex, and got some sun on my skin! Next up was MIDDLE SCHOOL CAMP. One of my absolute favorite things EVER. Kayla Cassaletto was my co-counselor, and I was so encouraged and challenged by her.
July: Up to the Lake we went again, except this time our whole family went...including Miss Millie!!! It was fun at first, but then our trip was cut short after Millie literally got our whole family sick. She gave over 10 people a stomach bug. Haha looking back, it's funny, but at the time, I felt like I got hit by a truck! Kathleen also had her bridal shower around this time, which was such a sweet time of celebrating a wonderful childhood friend. I couldn't wait until she became Mrs. Parker!! Lexi and I got to go to a Jake Owen concert in Valpo, which was a fun time! We got to see Scott Erwin again, because that's where he lives, which was a nice surprise! Lex and I also got to go to the beach with our mamas, which is always a good time, and has kinda become a summer tradition. On July 29th, Millie turned 1 year old. How time FLIES. Her birthday party was one of the best days I've ever had. Watching her eat her cake, open presents, and laugh until I thought she would burst brought my heart so much joy I didn't think I could handle it.
August: Back to school I went! My senior year. It was so great to see Hannah, Karlee, Emily, Laur, and all my other friends. Methods II!! My last semester of classes before student teaching. I thought this semester would never come. Classes were busy and crazy. At the end of August, Kathleen and Devon got married!! That was one of the best weddings I've ever gone to, and I was honored to be a bridesmaid. I'll never forget that day.
September: Watching Hannah play volleyball, rollerblading, and homework filled up my time. My group of friends made our yearly trip to Indiana for our weekend at the lake with Scott, thanks to Mr. and Mrs. Erwin. I had so much fun on the boat (even though I got so sick one of the days, I thought I would get sick in front of all my friends...thankfully it all stayed in me :/). Mom and Dad came to visit me. We did our usual: outlet mall, Clifton Mill, racquetball with dad, Chipotle, and this time we got to watch Hannah play volleyball and visit the sunflower field!
October: Homecoming 2015 brought Brett, Brinnie and Millie to campus for a fun weekend. It was great having them here! Plus, I got to show off Millie to all my friends :D Hannah was still full-swing with volleyball, and we didn't get to see much of each other. I got to go to Indy and home for fall break and saw some friends and family.
November: I started my 3rd grade FE at Greenefield Elementary school, which proved to be one of my favorite experiences ever. I grew to become friends with and love my teacher, Miss Groves. That was a lovely blessing that doesn't always happen. I had great kiddos and learned a LOT. Hannah and the volleyball team won the G-MAC tourney and finished their season. I went home for Thanksgiving break and met Miss Lauren Birdsall, who has 100% stolen Nick's heart :). We ran in the Turkey Trot 5k, had lots of food, and got to know each other. I love Thanksgiving! So much fun with family.
December: The semester ended. I got to go home for break, work up at Snow Camp, got sick and passed out, which resulted in a nice gash and scar on my face, and brought the New Year in with....no one :) I was sick and stayed home by my lonesome! (Lammmeeeeeee.) ;)
January: STUDENT TEACHING. HOLY MOLY. It finally had come. Mrs. Meriweather and I instantly clicked. My kids stole my heart right away. I began learning and growing so much. In my personal life, all of a sudden I was on cloud nine. I spent my weekdays waiting for the weekends. My heart was so full of excitement and joy.
February: Student teaching continued. I fell more and more in love with my kids and became friends with the teachers around me. Valentine's came and went, but it was time well-spent and cherished. Then, as quickly as cloud nine had come, it was gone. I learned a lot this month about who GOD IS, and that growing up and making decisions is really hard sometimes. I learned that God is anchor of my soul and that He is good, no matter what. Even heartbreak is used for His glory.
My birthday this year started off with texts from friends and family. A breakfast surprise from Hannah. My kiddos showered me with "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISS BIGLER!"'s and hugs. I received gifts from Mrs. Meriweather and Mrs. Carter. I got cards from my kiddos that made me cry. Mrs. M. and I went out for dinner. Then when I got back, I had a tap on my window that come from my PARENTS who had surprised me again this year. What a day it was. Then Friday Emily, Karl, Han, and Laur took me line dancing! For those of you who know me, you know I LOVE country music...and I like to dance :) I had so much fun and I want to go back ASAP.
And here I am now. A whole year later. A whole year older. I'm about to graduate. I'm about to enter into another chapter. My relationship with Hannah has deepened so much this semester I could just sit and weep by how thankful I am for her friendship. I'm thankful that Karlee, Emily, and Laura and I have all gotten closer, too. My friends here at Cedarville may not be big in number, but they are deep-rooted.
This has been a year of highs and lows. But really, what year isn't? As I've said on here over and over, God has taught me so much about His grace. Oh, how I have fallen deeper in love with Him this year. His love is FIERCE, UNRELENTING, CONSTANT, PRECIOUS, and STEADFAST. Oh, that I may be more like HIM. He never gave up on me this year, and I am comforted by the fact that He never, ever will. Even though growing up is hard, it's exciting at the same time. Through my hardships, weaknesses, and shortcomings, I have seen the Lord so very clearly. If I have to go through times like that to see Him evidently, become more like Him, and experience His grace, then it is SO WORTH IT. Bring on the trials. Make me more like You, O Lord!
What will Chapter 22 hold? I'm not quite sure. I am sure, however, that the God of Israel and of my heart will go before me. He will lead me. He will provide for me. He won't leave me. In Chapter 22, by His grace, I hope to look more like Jesus Christ.
Here's to 22!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
A Heart Like His
Another post already? Isn't it funny how time can seem to go so quickly, but slowly at the same time? I have never been able to wrap my mind around that phenomena, and probably never will. That's okay, though.
Last week was Cedarville's spring break. I lived with Morgan in apartments right off campus so that I would have a kitchen, first of all, and so that I wouldn't have to stay by myself! It was very nice to be there. My kiddos and I finished our double-digit addition stuff, completed Dr. Seuss week, and hopefully had our last snow day of the year. Like I've said before, my class as a whole is a tad bit lower academically. However, I'm realizing that for many of them, it may not be that they are low, but that they are not diligent. It's coming out the longer I'm there. Concepts, such as capitalizing proper nouns, that they get right when we are specifically working on them, seem to get CHUCKED out the window when we are doing writing in any other subject. They don't carry skills over that they have learned. They "forget" things that I have taught them over and over again, but also things that Mrs. Meriweather has been doing with them since the beginning of the year! Many of them are so distracted and get so behind on work we do in class. This morning, I put two papers, that were both almost a week late, by the way, on a little boy's desk. Do you know what he did with them? Shoved them right in his desk.
Can you tell I'm a little frustrated?
However...I am constantly reminded to be gracious with my beloved kiddos. That same boy is going through one of the worst home situations in the class. I can't give information publicly, of course, but let's just say, he might as well be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He's dealing with things a second grader should never have to deal with. How can I get frustrated with a kid who is in his situation? Would I be able to concentrate if I were in his shoes? ....probably not.
Again, the Lord reminds me that my students are SO much more than just...well, students. They are little people. They have little souls that are SO in need of Him. Sometimes it kills me that I cannot just sit and introduce them to Jesus openly...that I can't tell them about the One Who formed them before they were born, loves them more than anything in the world, and can save them from the sin, death, and hurt of this world. I am so thankful for the love and understanding that God is giving me for my kids. Without Him, I would have flipped my lid a long time ago. Oh, how He is so gracious to me, and that allows me to be more gracious with the kiddos. He is good.
(If you're a Christian teacher in a public school and have been in this position, and have some advice for me, I would LOVE to glean from your wisdom! Please enlighten me!)
Here's what's REALLY going on in my heart, though. Underneath the teacher facade is a sinner saved by grace who is learning what this life is all about...
You know what I also cannot wrap my mind around? That God's love and affections for me are not contingent upon my thoughts, actions, words, etc. I simply CAN'T. It has been a constant topic and concept that my mind has been drifting back to over and over this semester. What I do does not affect how I stand before Him. When my heavenly Father looks at me, He sees the blood of Jesus Christ. AND THANK GOODNESS! Because you know what He would see if He saw me? Saw Ali? Saw Alison Jane Bigler apart from Christ? He would see a broken, messed up, selfish, distracted, insecure little girl who is so undeserving of ALL that He is. All of His righteousness. All of His fullness. All of His steadfast love. He would see a girl who so many times chooses herself over Him.
As I sit here, tears streaming down my cheeks, I wonder how I could ever choose myself after reflecting on Who He is, what He has done, and how He sees me. That's just the problem, though: During my day, I get so caught up in myself, my schedule, my students, my issues, etc. that I forget to stop and reflect on Him. How can I forget the One who sustains me? The One who knit me together in my mother's womb? The One who gives me my very breath and being? HOW?!
I heard a song on the radio today that really sums up what's in my heart:
Burn bright in my life
Burn away the things I hold tight
Give me eyes to see
Your kingdom the way You want it to be
What can be worth more than You?
What do I have I wouldn't lose
If it means You and I look more alike?
That's what I choose
I'd give up the world to find my soul
Pour out my life, give You control
I just want to be what You want me to be
I just want a heart that's true
A heart like You (a heart like You)
I just want a heart like You (a heart like You)
As Your ways take shape
All my guilt and shame start to fade
And Your love takes their place
I become a well of Your grace, Your grace
I'd give up the world to find my soul
Pour out my life, give You control
I just want to be what You want me to be
I just want a heart that's true
A heart like You (a heart like You)
I just want a heart like You (a heart like You)
I don't mind the price it costs
I will count all I have as loss
When this fades away, what's true remains
What can be worth more than You?
What do I have I wouldn't lose?
I'd give up the world to find my soul
Pour out my life, give You control
I just want to be what You want me to be
I just want a heart that's true
A heart like You (a heart like You)
Oh, how I long for every single word of this song to be true of me all the time! How I long for the war between my sinful flesh and the Spirit living inside of me to be over. Until, then, though, may I be growing EVER more like Him.
Because really, what could be worth more than Him?
Last week was Cedarville's spring break. I lived with Morgan in apartments right off campus so that I would have a kitchen, first of all, and so that I wouldn't have to stay by myself! It was very nice to be there. My kiddos and I finished our double-digit addition stuff, completed Dr. Seuss week, and hopefully had our last snow day of the year. Like I've said before, my class as a whole is a tad bit lower academically. However, I'm realizing that for many of them, it may not be that they are low, but that they are not diligent. It's coming out the longer I'm there. Concepts, such as capitalizing proper nouns, that they get right when we are specifically working on them, seem to get CHUCKED out the window when we are doing writing in any other subject. They don't carry skills over that they have learned. They "forget" things that I have taught them over and over again, but also things that Mrs. Meriweather has been doing with them since the beginning of the year! Many of them are so distracted and get so behind on work we do in class. This morning, I put two papers, that were both almost a week late, by the way, on a little boy's desk. Do you know what he did with them? Shoved them right in his desk.
Can you tell I'm a little frustrated?
However...I am constantly reminded to be gracious with my beloved kiddos. That same boy is going through one of the worst home situations in the class. I can't give information publicly, of course, but let's just say, he might as well be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He's dealing with things a second grader should never have to deal with. How can I get frustrated with a kid who is in his situation? Would I be able to concentrate if I were in his shoes? ....probably not.
Again, the Lord reminds me that my students are SO much more than just...well, students. They are little people. They have little souls that are SO in need of Him. Sometimes it kills me that I cannot just sit and introduce them to Jesus openly...that I can't tell them about the One Who formed them before they were born, loves them more than anything in the world, and can save them from the sin, death, and hurt of this world. I am so thankful for the love and understanding that God is giving me for my kids. Without Him, I would have flipped my lid a long time ago. Oh, how He is so gracious to me, and that allows me to be more gracious with the kiddos. He is good.
(If you're a Christian teacher in a public school and have been in this position, and have some advice for me, I would LOVE to glean from your wisdom! Please enlighten me!)
Here's what's REALLY going on in my heart, though. Underneath the teacher facade is a sinner saved by grace who is learning what this life is all about...
You know what I also cannot wrap my mind around? That God's love and affections for me are not contingent upon my thoughts, actions, words, etc. I simply CAN'T. It has been a constant topic and concept that my mind has been drifting back to over and over this semester. What I do does not affect how I stand before Him. When my heavenly Father looks at me, He sees the blood of Jesus Christ. AND THANK GOODNESS! Because you know what He would see if He saw me? Saw Ali? Saw Alison Jane Bigler apart from Christ? He would see a broken, messed up, selfish, distracted, insecure little girl who is so undeserving of ALL that He is. All of His righteousness. All of His fullness. All of His steadfast love. He would see a girl who so many times chooses herself over Him.
As I sit here, tears streaming down my cheeks, I wonder how I could ever choose myself after reflecting on Who He is, what He has done, and how He sees me. That's just the problem, though: During my day, I get so caught up in myself, my schedule, my students, my issues, etc. that I forget to stop and reflect on Him. How can I forget the One who sustains me? The One who knit me together in my mother's womb? The One who gives me my very breath and being? HOW?!
I heard a song on the radio today that really sums up what's in my heart:
Burn bright in my life
Burn away the things I hold tight
Give me eyes to see
Your kingdom the way You want it to be
What can be worth more than You?
What do I have I wouldn't lose
If it means You and I look more alike?
That's what I choose
I'd give up the world to find my soul
Pour out my life, give You control
I just want to be what You want me to be
I just want a heart that's true
A heart like You (a heart like You)
I just want a heart like You (a heart like You)
As Your ways take shape
All my guilt and shame start to fade
And Your love takes their place
I become a well of Your grace, Your grace
I'd give up the world to find my soul
Pour out my life, give You control
I just want to be what You want me to be
I just want a heart that's true
A heart like You (a heart like You)
I just want a heart like You (a heart like You)
I don't mind the price it costs
I will count all I have as loss
When this fades away, what's true remains
What can be worth more than You?
What do I have I wouldn't lose?
I'd give up the world to find my soul
Pour out my life, give You control
I just want to be what You want me to be
I just want a heart that's true
A heart like You (a heart like You)
Oh, how I long for every single word of this song to be true of me all the time! How I long for the war between my sinful flesh and the Spirit living inside of me to be over. Until, then, though, may I be growing EVER more like Him.
Because really, what could be worth more than Him?
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Overwhelmed
Over this past week, things have been all over the place. Like...seriously. Emotionally, mentally, you name it. I finally got to go back to school this week, but then we had ANOTHER delay on Tuesday. Then on Thursday and Friday we had some weird things thrown into our schedule. I thought to myself a few times, "Am I EVER going to get to teach these kids?!" Flexibility is one of the most important things I'm learning. I can't control the weather or the schedule, but I CAN control how I handle things in light of those things. I also experienced my first round of parent-teacher conferences on Thursday, as well. I was pretty nervous about them, but they all went really well. It's pretty fun to see and meet the parents of my kiddos. I learned a lot through all that! On TOP of that, I'm halfway through my full-time teaching, and I graduate in 2 MONTHS from this weekend. (insert happy dance here.)
Cedarville's spring break started on Friday, so all of my friends left. BUT, that made me feel better about going home! I got to come home and go to my cousin Tyler's engagement party. It was so nice to see family I don't get to see very often. Plus, Nick and Lauren came! I always love when I get to see them...especially Lauren. Or as Millie calls her, "Lo-Lo." I rode home with them from Michigan, and had some really good conversations with Nick. I have been blessed with two awesome older brothers that love me a LOT.
Aside from school and such, I have been absolutely overwhelmed this week by two things:
1. God's grace in my life (how could I go a day without being overwhelmed by it, though?!) and His counsel! Growing up is hard. But I'm sure most of you already know that. It's full of chaos, changes, and decisions! He is so constant, and loves to guide His children when they seek Him.
2. How thankful I am for the people that God has put in my life to LOVE ON and counsel me...especially my pastor and his wife from Elkhart. I cannot express how grateful I am for people's texts, hugs, prayers, advice, concern, encouragement, ETC. Praise God for the body of Christ and using others to show us His love!
God gives us so many things we are so undeserving of...especially me! Not only does He give me things, people, and grace, but He is gracious enough to use hard things in my life to bless and teach me. He DOESN'T HAVE TO. He CHOOSES to. My mind cannot even comprehend it! He still loves me on the days I fail Him. He loves me even when I don't like my own self. He loves me when I'm...well, unlovely, which occurs more often than I'd like to admit. He shapes and molds me through the tough days. That fact alone makes me thankful for the harder times. Becoming more like Him and less like me sounds like a pretty good deal to me. Romans 11:33-36 sums up what is in my heart right now:
“For who has known the mind of the Lord,
or who has been his counselor?”
“Or who has given a gift to him
that he might be repaid?”
Cedarville's spring break started on Friday, so all of my friends left. BUT, that made me feel better about going home! I got to come home and go to my cousin Tyler's engagement party. It was so nice to see family I don't get to see very often. Plus, Nick and Lauren came! I always love when I get to see them...especially Lauren. Or as Millie calls her, "Lo-Lo." I rode home with them from Michigan, and had some really good conversations with Nick. I have been blessed with two awesome older brothers that love me a LOT.
Aside from school and such, I have been absolutely overwhelmed this week by two things:
1. God's grace in my life (how could I go a day without being overwhelmed by it, though?!) and His counsel! Growing up is hard. But I'm sure most of you already know that. It's full of chaos, changes, and decisions! He is so constant, and loves to guide His children when they seek Him.
2. How thankful I am for the people that God has put in my life to LOVE ON and counsel me...especially my pastor and his wife from Elkhart. I cannot express how grateful I am for people's texts, hugs, prayers, advice, concern, encouragement, ETC. Praise God for the body of Christ and using others to show us His love!
God gives us so many things we are so undeserving of...especially me! Not only does He give me things, people, and grace, but He is gracious enough to use hard things in my life to bless and teach me. He DOESN'T HAVE TO. He CHOOSES to. My mind cannot even comprehend it! He still loves me on the days I fail Him. He loves me even when I don't like my own self. He loves me when I'm...well, unlovely, which occurs more often than I'd like to admit. He shapes and molds me through the tough days. That fact alone makes me thankful for the harder times. Becoming more like Him and less like me sounds like a pretty good deal to me. Romans 11:33-36 sums up what is in my heart right now:
Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!
“For who has known the mind of the Lord,
or who has been his counselor?”
“Or who has given a gift to him
that he might be repaid?”
For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Luke 12:22-34
And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his[e] kingdom,and these things will be added to you.
Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."
This has to be one of my all-time favorite passages of Scripture. It's such a perfect picture of how our Father, Shepherd, and Creator loves on those who are His. My heart is DESPERATE for His comfort and peace. I cherish and treasure these words of my Savior spoken so long ago. They give me hope in the midst of hurt and loneliness. I can hold on to His promises always. They are always true.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
I Am Not Alone
Sorry I haven't posted in a while...Last week I had Monday off for President's Day, then I had the WHOLE week off because of the cold and snow. So...I don't have any teaching stories or updates. I was able to have a nice little visit back in Elkhart last weekend. Then this week I caught up on some things, had an interview for a school in Columbus, and just kinda hung out. It was nice, but it's just been a long week/weekend. A good thing is since school was closed, I got to take a spontaneous trip to Indy. I spent some much-needed time with my family..including Millie. It's cool how the Lord provides just what we need, right when we need it. Lauren snapped this one of Mill and I at a basketball game last night. She's medicine for my soul.
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You know, the Lord is always good...always. However...He is also mysterious. Even though He's always good and trustworthy, that doesn't mean I understand Him. I could use some prayer this week. Between missing so much school and being weighed down by life, I don't feel very mentally prepared to teach this week. I guess it's good preparation for the future.
"Hear my cry, O God,
listen to my prayer;
2
from the end of the earth I call to you
when my heart is faint.
Lead me to the rock
that is higher than I.."
Psalm 61:1-2
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Days Go By
Well, I suppose it's time for me to write another post! This past week and weekend were so busy, but in the best way possible! A lot happened at school from experiencing what my class is like when there's a sub, to dancing with them in our jammies and socks for their reward party. I had some discouraging days with the kiddos, and other days that I was so encouraged I could have cried. I've already seen improvement in some of my students, and I tell you what, there are few things that warm my heart than seeing a student make progress and see them happy about it. Yesterday, I had a little boy asking me to give him more double digit addition problems because he loved it. Just a couple weeks ago, though, he cried TWICE in one day because he was so frustrated with math. All I could do was hug him and praise him for not giving up! I was able to explain to him that while I was happy he was getting the right answers, I was even more proud of him for not giving up and working hard. What a sweet moment. I'll never forget it!
This weekend was also a grrrrrreeeeat one! Sarah and Lexi Weldy, two girls from my church in Elkhart, came and stood in as my little sisters for Lil Sibs weekend that Cedarville has every year. We got to have some good conversations, go to Bob Evans with Hannah, get a little shopping in, go to a CU basketball game, etc. I had a lot of fun with them. I'm encouraged by how they are maturing and growing in Christ! It was fun, too, hearing about people and things in Elkhart. I haven't been home in a while! The girlies went home on Sunday, and without going into too much detail, I spent the rest of my day in some pretty great company....and I'll leave it at that :D
On a different note, have you ever felt like you're the only one who feels a certain way or has certain convictions about things? I've been feeling like that a lot this year. I know that there are a lot of gray areas, and things that Scripture doesn't explicitly address, but sometimes my heart gets so discouraged with things like that. I'm happy the Lord has laid a few issues so heavily on my heart that I'm unwavering in, but it can be a lonely place to be sometimes. I'm so glad I have my gracious Savior who is with me in all things, even when I'm standing alone.
Also...if you think of it, pray for my health! There have been many students out sick, the other two Cedarville people that I ride with have already gotten sick, and yesterday I started feeling bad, and unfortunately today is worse. I'll be fine, but I would rather stay healthy ;)
Well, I think that's all I have! I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors in the post that I may have made...this is a mobile post and it's easier to miss things. That may not be important to any of you, but it is to me! ;)
Stand firm and take heart.
This weekend was also a grrrrrreeeeat one! Sarah and Lexi Weldy, two girls from my church in Elkhart, came and stood in as my little sisters for Lil Sibs weekend that Cedarville has every year. We got to have some good conversations, go to Bob Evans with Hannah, get a little shopping in, go to a CU basketball game, etc. I had a lot of fun with them. I'm encouraged by how they are maturing and growing in Christ! It was fun, too, hearing about people and things in Elkhart. I haven't been home in a while! The girlies went home on Sunday, and without going into too much detail, I spent the rest of my day in some pretty great company....and I'll leave it at that :D
On a different note, have you ever felt like you're the only one who feels a certain way or has certain convictions about things? I've been feeling like that a lot this year. I know that there are a lot of gray areas, and things that Scripture doesn't explicitly address, but sometimes my heart gets so discouraged with things like that. I'm happy the Lord has laid a few issues so heavily on my heart that I'm unwavering in, but it can be a lonely place to be sometimes. I'm so glad I have my gracious Savior who is with me in all things, even when I'm standing alone.
Also...if you think of it, pray for my health! There have been many students out sick, the other two Cedarville people that I ride with have already gotten sick, and yesterday I started feeling bad, and unfortunately today is worse. I'll be fine, but I would rather stay healthy ;)
Well, I think that's all I have! I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors in the post that I may have made...this is a mobile post and it's easier to miss things. That may not be important to any of you, but it is to me! ;)
Stand firm and take heart.
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