A Heart Like His

Another post already? Isn't it funny how time can seem to go so quickly, but slowly at the same time? I have never been able to wrap my mind around that phenomena, and probably never will. That's okay, though. 

Last week was Cedarville's spring break. I lived with Morgan in apartments right off campus so that I would have a kitchen, first of all, and so that I wouldn't have to stay by myself! It was very nice to be there. My kiddos and I finished our double-digit addition stuff, completed Dr. Seuss week, and hopefully had our last snow day of the year. Like I've said before, my class as a whole is a tad bit lower academically. However, I'm realizing that for many of them, it may not be that they are low, but that they are not diligent. It's coming out the longer I'm there. Concepts, such as capitalizing proper nouns, that they get right when we are specifically working on them, seem to get CHUCKED out the window when we are doing writing in any other subject. They don't carry skills over that they have learned. They "forget" things that I have taught them over and over again, but also things that Mrs. Meriweather has been doing with them since the beginning of the year! Many of them are so distracted and get so behind on work we do in class. This morning, I put two papers, that were both almost a week late, by the way, on a little boy's desk. Do you know what he did with them? Shoved them right in his desk. 

Can you tell I'm a little frustrated?

However...I am constantly reminded to be gracious with my beloved kiddos. That same boy is going through one of the worst home situations in the class. I can't give information publicly, of course, but let's just say, he might as well be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He's dealing with things a second grader should never have to deal with. How can I get frustrated with a kid who is in his situation? Would I be able to concentrate if I were in his shoes? ....probably not. 

Again, the Lord reminds me that my students are SO much more than just...well, students. They are little people. They have little souls that are SO in need of Him. Sometimes it kills me that I cannot just sit and introduce them to Jesus openly...that I can't tell them about the One Who formed them before they were born, loves them more than anything in the world, and can save them from the sin, death, and hurt of this world. I am so thankful for the love and understanding that God is giving me for my kids. Without Him, I would have flipped my lid a long time ago. Oh, how He is so gracious to me, and that allows me to be more gracious with the kiddos. He is good. 

(If you're a Christian teacher in a public school and have been in this position, and have some advice for me, I would LOVE to glean from your wisdom! Please enlighten me!)

Here's what's REALLY going on in my heart, though. Underneath the teacher facade is a sinner saved by grace who is learning what this life is all about...

You know what I also cannot wrap my mind around? That God's love and affections for me are not contingent upon my thoughts, actions, words, etc. I simply CAN'T. It has been a constant topic and concept that my mind has been drifting back to over and over this semester. What I do does not affect how I stand before Him. When my heavenly Father looks at me, He sees the blood of Jesus Christ. AND THANK GOODNESS! Because you know what He would see if He saw me? Saw Ali? Saw Alison Jane Bigler apart from Christ? He would see a broken, messed up, selfish, distracted, insecure little girl who is so undeserving of ALL that He is. All of His righteousness. All of His fullness. All of His steadfast love. He would see a girl who so many times chooses herself over Him. 

As I sit here, tears streaming down my cheeks, I wonder how I could ever choose myself after reflecting on Who He is, what He has done, and how He sees me. That's just the problem, though: During my day, I get so caught up in myself, my schedule, my students, my issues, etc. that I forget to stop and reflect on Him. How can I forget the One who sustains me? The One who knit me together in my mother's womb? The One who gives me my very breath and being? HOW?!

I heard a song on the radio today that really sums up what's in my heart: 

Burn bright in my life
Burn away the things I hold tight
Give me eyes to see
Your kingdom the way You want it to be
What can be worth more than You?
What do I have I wouldn't lose
If it means You and I look more alike?
That's what I choose

I'd give up the world to find my soul
Pour out my life, give You control
I just want to be what You want me to be
I just want a heart that's true
A heart like You (a heart like You)
I just want a heart like You (a heart like You)

As Your ways take shape
All my guilt and shame start to fade
And Your love takes their place
I become a well of Your grace, Your grace

I'd give up the world to find my soul
Pour out my life, give You control
I just want to be what You want me to be
I just want a heart that's true
A heart like You (a heart like You)
I just want a heart like You (a heart like You)

I don't mind the price it costs
I will count all I have as loss
When this fades away, what's true remains
What can be worth more than You?
What do I have I wouldn't lose?

I'd give up the world to find my soul
Pour out my life, give You control
I just want to be what You want me to be
I just want a heart that's true
A heart like You (a heart like You)


Oh, how I long for every single word of this song to be true of me all the time! How I long for the war between my sinful flesh and the Spirit living inside of me to be over. Until, then, though, may I be growing EVER more like Him.


Because really, what could be worth more than Him?