More importantly, my life is centered around Christ.
Lately I've been thinking about the human heart...and my heart, mainly I suppose. That seems a little selfish as I type the words, but it's the one that's inside of me! In the book of Jeremiah it says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" Those words have been coming to my mind over and over. While it may sound harsh and you may think, "But I can't help what's in my heart! That's just how I am!," if you really were honest with yourself, it's true. It's true of my heart. Here's what has been going on in the heart and mind of Ali.
I have desires in my heart. I have goals. I work hard for them. I'm a pretty determined and competitive girl. Some of these desires are worldly, temporary or selfish. Others are things that normal, almost-23-year-old girls want. However, when a goal is accomplished or the Lord graciously gives me the desires of my heart, not too much time passes before I'm setting my sights on something else. I wanted to graduate from Cedarville -- Check. I wanted to spend time with the girls in my youth group and build new relationships -- Check. I wanted to get a teaching job -- Check.
"But Ali, those are all good things!"
Yes, they are. But did I want those things for selfish gain, or did I want them to glorify Christ? Will those things truly fulfill the longings inside of my heart?
No. They won't.
While there are amazing things that are worth pursuing in this life that are all gifts from our precious Father, they will not complete our hearts. They will not fill the voids that are there. Even if you don't think you have any...you do! The truth that is resonating in my mind and heart is this:
Jesus Christ is the only person in this whole entire universe that can satisfy my heart.
Can I go a step further and be a little more vulnerable?
My whole life I have struggled with wanting the approval and affirmation of others. I find myself wanting people to think highly of me, to know that I work hard, etc. But...even when I do, my heart is still yearning for something more. That's the thing with worldly pursuits and wanting recognition from others-- it quickly melts away and people move on or forget. Who is the Only One who can truly know and love your heart and you for you? Jesus Christ. When I live my life for other people, I end up feeling empty, disappointed, and like I don't really measure up. But my Savior sees right through my appearance, my actions, and my words--He sees my heart. He sees what makes me motivated. He knows what's best for me. He knows how to fill up my heart in a way that no one and nothing else can. Another thing that's been hard for me to wrestle with lately is (excuse me while I swallow my pride and admit this) yep, you guessed it. Feeling lonely, in the sense of being single. I mean, how long have I been totally okay with being single and trusting that God is going to take care of this? For forever! I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's the fact that about 60% of my friends are dating/engaged/got married this summer. And don't get me wrong: my heart is OVERJOYED for them! Seriously! Yet, in the back of my head there's a small voice that says, "Father, I am so happy for my friends...but when will it be my turn?" Is it so wrong to want a guy who loves Jesus with everything inside of him, pursues integrity and purity, makes me laugh, and like sports?! That values the same things as me and is like-minded, even if I'm pretty conservative?? No. But are my sights set more on that than my Father?
Yet here's the truth again: "Alison, my timing is perfect. Your best is my priority. Even if/when you do meet that someone, he will never fill every part of your heart like I can. Your problems will not magically disappeared when you're married. YOUR HEART IS CREATED FOR ME."
When I speak this truth to myself and see His promises in His Word, my perspective is back on track. His promises are enough for me. He wants me to be content and patient right where He has me! Okay, here's a little of my teaching life. I could sit here and laugh out loud at myself! When my kiddos are being impatient, and I have about half of them talking to me at once saying things like, "Miss Bigler, tie my shoes!" "Miss Bigler, you forgot to turn the screen on!" "Miss Bigler, why can't I see the video?!" "Miss Bigler, I look at this!"
Here is what I tell them: "Boys and girls, we need to be patient! Do you know what being patient means? BEING HAPPY TO WAIT and BEING HAPPY WHILE YOU ARE WAITING."
I should take my own advice, right?
I don't want to be the girl that is always waiting for the next thing! I want to be a teacher who focuses on her kiddos today, being the best she can be. I want to be a daughter/sister/aunt who loves her family today and focuses on the time she has now. I want to be a friend who is all there in every conversation, listening and loving like Jesus commands. I want to be a Christian who does what she knows the Lord has called her to be every day: obedient to Him, a servant to others, and a light to a lost world. When I focus on what the Lord has in front of me, He will work everything else out. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Seek Him FIRST, and the rest will follow. Then, in His perfect and sweet timing, I can someday be what He wants me to be. Instead of a heart that yearns for my own desires and only will do for a short time, I want to have a heart that yearns for HIM. I want to have a heart that has a fire for Him.
Oh, here's a song that I have been playing OVER and OVER. Hopefully I don't get sick of it. I'm sure you'll love it as much as I do :)
Again, my heart is so encouraged by the people who tell me they are praying for me/and or see my blog. Sorry this one is a little different, but I can always use the prayer! If you ever have any wise words or advice for me, just text me, e mail me, or message me on Facebook or something like that. I know I have a lot of learning to do on this narrow road, and I'm always receptive to some help.
