Walking by faith, not only with my feet, but in my mind and heart.
I believe that I've already expressed on here that growing up is hard. Yes, there are really great things about it, but not all of them are so great. Since I've graduated, the Lord is really showing me what it means to rest in Him alone and what it means to truly trust Him with all my heart. I don't have a teaching job lined up for the fall, am living at home, and have been feeling like I'm just existing. Call it a quarter-life crisis, if you will. "What am I doing with my life!?" "Lord, what do you want me to do right now?" "I'm just...stuck!" "Should I move to Indy with no job just to see if I like it?" These are thoughts that have been going through my head more than I'd like to admit.
Am I being lazy?
Shouldn't I have a job already?
What do I do while I'm home?
Should I just up and move?
Am I forcing Indy?
LORD, WHERE ARE MY ANSWERS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
"...Making you more like Jesus Christ, Alison."
Oh...Yeah, Lord. That's probably a good idea.
I'm just focusing on myself and getting answers. But what if the Lord doesn't want me to have every answer and every detail? Is that enough for me? When I don't have answers, all I have is Him. When my eyes are off of myself, I am FREE to focus on Him and loving others.
Wow. He's a pretty smart and wise God, huh?
At church on Sunday, which I could write a ton about because it was so good, the Lord comforted me through different people and in different ways. His care for me amazes me. Pastor Phil talked about our individual stories-- our "song." I realized that the Lord has equipped me in unique ways, and that I can still serve and be effective in this time of waiting. I'm not just existing. As long as I am in Christ, I ALWAYS have purpose and a mission. It was kind of like the kick in pants I needed to STOP WAITING for things to just drop in my lap, and do what I KNOW how to do while I'm waiting-- TEACH. LOVE OTHERS. SERVE OTHERS. WORK WITH KIDS. "Be faithful to Me every day. Take up your cross. Take the opportunities I give you."
Okay, Lord. I will.
Another way He's been comforting me is through other people. After the service on Sunday, Tami Brinks (my lands, I love her so dearly!) came up to me and asked about my plans and if I had any leads for teaching jobs. A tad bit embarrassed, I told her no. "How can I pray for you?" she asked me. I explained to her what's been going on in my mind and heart, and her response has been going through my mind ever since:
"Ali, He loves when we come to Him with nothing."
It's hard for me to come to Him with nothing...because He deserves so much. You see, I'm a DOER. I put forth a lot of effort. I like working hard. My flesh likes to feel accomplished and like I've gotten approval...from others, and I've been learning that I try to earn God's approval. I've written about that before.
"For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
Psalm 51: 16-17
I am constantly reminded in God's Word that He doesn't want my works. He wants my heart, and when I come to Him with absolutely nothing, He gets all heart. Maybe I'm afraid to bring Him my heart because I know and am ashamed of what's inside it. He already knows what's in there, though. He sees my desire to please Him. He doesn't look at me and think, "Yikes, Ali. You're a mess. You're a nut job, actually. Why can't you just suck it up and trust me?" He looks at me and sees HIS righteousness and His SON! He remembers my frame and knows that I'm from dust.
In Him, all I can bring Him is my heart. I don't have it altogether. I don't have answers. I DO, though, have a Savior that I can rest in. I have a Savior who knows exactly what I need when I need it. His timing is so much more perfect than anything I could plan myself (Yes, even if that means His timing means waiting until a day before the school year!). While I wait on Him, I will serve. I will be obedient. I will love Him and others. I will take one day at a time. I will live for HIM--not for the opinions and approval of others, which is a weakness of mine.
The unrest in my heart just reminds me that He is the only One who can ease it and fulfill the desires of my heart. I get too caught up in the temporary and the things I can see. However...this is what GOD says about that:
"For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.
So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil."
2 Corinthians 5:1-9
Therefore, I will make it my aim to please Him. I will walk by faith.
